Or #yourvotematters
What does it say about London that the best candidate to be the capital’s next mayor claims to have come from outer space?
Yes, after losing out in election contests to Theresa May and Boris Johnson in years gone by, Count Binface is back for some hardcore ballot box action and this time he has City Hall in his sights.
Well, not exactly because the intergalactic space warrior, who is also occasionally known as Jon Harvey, a 40-something comedian from Lewisham, south London, knows he has no chance of winning.
That isn’t important. All that matters is that he gets more votes than Laurence Fox, the once married to Billie Piper actor who has taken it upon himself to be the voice of the Covid-denying anti-mask anti-vaxxers.
If they had a choice they would probably want someone better as their representative but you don’t get all you wish for in life so Fox is their man who thinks he can do the job.
(Quick explainer to anyone not in the UK: Laurence Fox’s most famous TV role was on an Inspector Morse offshoot called Lewis, until he appeared on Question Time and spouted off about a lot of things.)
Polls so far show the pair are level-pegging on 1% each so let’s take a look at why Count Binface is a better choice on May 6th (or earlier if you are voting by post or not at all if you cannot vote in the London mayoral election).
Laurence Fox’s main flagship policy is to end lockdown and reopen London – including opening businesses, restaurants, theatres and pubs.
Newsflash for the 42-year-old: Lockdown is ending already (until the third wave comes). Pub gardens are open, shops are open, 33 million people have received at least one dose of a Covid-19 vaccine, restaurants are serving people outdoors and are looking forward to welcoming people inside from May 17th.
Theatres will be open from May 17th too and will just serve as a reminder to the former actor that he doesn’t get offered roles anymore.
Whoever is elected on May 6th will serve a three year term. Why would people want to vote for a smug anti-vaxxer whose main policy is to do something which is already happening?
He says he will act as a champion for every single Londoner and business in the city. Is there an opt-out button because someone who does not believe in science is not my champion?
By comparison, Count Binface must believe in science because how else would he have arrived from the Sigma Quadrant?
The Count says his policies have something for everyone and he isn’t wrong.
If your main complaint about London life is the price of the croissant you impulsively used to buy after spying it out of the corner of your eye while waiting for your coffee to be frothed at the station before – in the olden days – squeezing yourself on to a train and trying to eat the flaky warm pastry while trapped between three people’s elbows well the Count is the one for you. He wants the price of croissants to be capped at £1.
He appreciates the value of nurses and remembers the days when the Trocadero was a great video games arcade (hands up who remembers the Alien experience).
If he wins the vote then London Bridge will be renamed Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Hammersmith Bridge will be renamed after someone’s favourite footballer Wayne Bridge.
London will rejoin the European Union and Crossrail will actually be finished.
These are all tangible policies where after a four year term it would be possible to say the mayor has made an actual difference to Londoners instead of the situation we have now where the mayor is very much a business as usual position rather than coming up with anything revolutionary.
Ken Livingstone was London’s first mayor and brought in the congestion charge and was very proud of the changes he made to the public transport system – but on the campaign trail in 2008 his bus was late arriving at a photocall at Lewisham DLR station, because of traffic.
Boris Johnson is very proud of bringing the Olympic Games to London, but that was actually done by the Olympics Delivery Authority.
He is also proud of bringing a bike hire scheme to the streets of inner London, they are called Boris Bikes because people like alliteration but the idea originally came during Livingstone’s time in power.
He did ban alcohol on London public transport and wasted £43m coming up with ill-fated schemes for a garden bridge across the Thames and at least £5m on a plan for a Thames estuary airport.
Sadiq Khan is the incumbent mayor and the polls’ favourite to retain the job.
He had a fairly publicised spat with Donald Trump but other than that it is difficult to see what he has done during his time in office that is groundbreaking or inspirational and has put his stamp on London.
It shouldn’t be a case of voting for Khan simply because he is so much better than the Conservative Party offering of Shaun Bailey (I watched his speech at the Tory Party conference in 2019 and wasn’t convinced) and that’s why a vote for Count Binface is a definite option.
After all, what better way to stand up and be counted than by choosing a candidate where your vote will count?
Stay safe for another week!
