A few years ago I wrote a Facebook status which said “Bounce, bounce can fuck off”.
By “Bounce, Bounce” I meant the John Lewis advert from whenever it was where the dog bounces on a trampoline. Back then I said that the Kenzo advert (for the perfume, nothing to do with an ex-colleague’s child) was far superior.
It still is. Bounce, Bounce, can still fuck off but my heart must be softening in my later years because now I can sometimes see the value in a Christmas advert.
So, without further ado, I bring you Fiskal Policy’s top five Christmas adverts for 2021.
Taking the top spot is the Boots advert. Partly because it features Jenna Coleman and partly because the advertising team has solved a problem it has every year- there aren’t many things in Boots that you can buy that would count as good Christmas gifts, for most people.
Walking through her Christmassy wonderland with her magic bag, reminiscent of the bags you would have in adventure computer games in the 1990s where everything you picked up would fit inside, Jenna doles out gifts from perfume to cameras and everything in between.
In second place on the podium the Sports Direct advert featuring a lot of sports stars.
When I say “a lot” I mean “a lotto” or even “a plethora”.
It brings back memories of a time of hope when we thought England were going to win the Euros. A time of hope when we dreamed Emma Raducanu would win the US Open and then she did.
It also brings back memories of when a friend worked in the Bromley store. One day she slipped off a ladder and injured her ankle but if she had taken time off sick she wouldn’t have got paid.
I wonder what the staff working there now will think of their company paying loads for an advert but paying them a pittance.
At number three is a surprise for me as well as you because it’s this year’s John Lewis advert.
On the surface it works as an ad that was just “inspired” by E.T. but without the special effects and Hollywood budget.
But if you dig deeper for me there is a story about immigration and friendship.
The alien comes to England and is unfamiliar with our Christmas customs, and our way of doing things.
Through her friend she gradually learns how to eat mince pies and to fit in while still being herself.
It’s too subtle for Gammons who are still worrying about other things but for me, this Christmas John Lewis wants us to embrace those who have come to the UK from war-torn lands.
In at number three is the TK Maxx festive offering featuring a boy with some sparkly-almost Elton John-esque boots.
Instead of the feelgood message of John Lewis it is a bit more traditional by screaming “Buy stuff from us. Buy stuff and you will be happy.” But that’s okay because isn’t that what Christmas is about for some people?
My only criticism so far (I’ve only seen the advert a few times) is that the headteacher making the announcement at the show seems far too old. He should have retired a long time ago.
In last place is actually an advert from last year – it is one that grew on me the more I saw it and gives me hope that I do have a heart in there somewhere.
And also shows that most of the Christmas adverts this year just aren’t very good so are not worthy to be in the top five.
Stay safe for another week!