Or #Bringbackthedaysofold

Strutting his stuff on a pontoon on the Thames near the O2, on Tuesday night Chris Martin will be convincing himself he is still relevant in 2021.

It isn’t possible to think of the Coldplay frontman without also thinking of Gwyneth Paltrow and her vagina candles (and now you do too) and wondering if he is still writing the kind of tunes your friend loves even though they are the musical equivalent of an under-seasoned cottage pie.

Apparently he must be because someone somewhere has seen fit to book the soft rock band to kick off proceedings at the Brit Awards.

Yes, another year has gone by which means it is time to spend another 135 minutes of your life questioning your existence while watching the ceremony and hoping for something controversial that never comes.

And maybe, just maybe, the Brit Awards organisers have arranged for Coldplay to play on a pontoon so they minimise the chances of another act “doing a Jarvis”.

For anyone too young to remember what happened, watch the clip below.

Yes, while Michael Jackson was getting up close and personal with some children on stage singing Earth Song in 1996, Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker echoed the views of much of the nation by invading the stage and wiggling his arse on stage.

He subsequently got arrested and relied on the legal skills of the once solicitor now funnyman Bob Mortimer, pitted against the menacing foe of Jacko’s bigshot lawyers.

And who could forget the soaking John Prescott got at the awards in 1998 when thought he was riding high on the coat tails of Cool Britannia and New Labour.

Not happy with what he and Tony Blair had done to the country, the anarchic Chumbawumba threw the contents of an ice bucket over him. (They had probably drunk a whisky drink, a cider drink and more than one lager drink.)

Also in 1997 one of Geri Halliwell’s nipples slipped out of her red dress as Spice Girls accepted the award for best something or other.

(Her mum told my mum that her sister had designed for the dress for her and had wanted to put straps on it but Geri said no. I don’t know how true this is but if her mum said it to my mum and my mum told it to me then surely that’s double mum truth so is definitely true.)

Then there was the absolutely epic moment in 2000 when a very drunk Brandon Block went on stage when his friends told him he’d won an award.

A very creepy looking Ronnie Wood didn’t take too kindly to the DJ’s stage invasion and presenter Davina McCall showed her lack of musical expertise by seemingly not knowing who he was (even though she started on MTV).

Thora Birch loved it though, maybe especially because it meant the then 52-year-old (if I’ve done the maths right) Rolling Stone took his arm off her shoulder, but especially because it was epic.

The closest the Brits has got to controversy in recent years was in 2018 when Stormzy said what everyone was thinking when he freestyled during his performance, asking Theresa May why she had done nothing about Grenfell.

Maybe the Brit Awards this year will be a return to the controversial days of old. It is very unlikely because Covid rules mean most popstars will be keeping their distance rather than throwing buckets of water and invading stages.

Thankfully though the music selection, apart from Coldplay, looks to be worth watching.

You can plan a bathroom break for when The Weeknd is on but Olivia Rodrigo, Arlo Parks and Rag’n’Bone Man should be worth watching.

Obviously there is also Dua Lipa (yes, one of the stars of Fiskal Policy number 29) and Pink is reminding people she still exists.

Whether it’s worth watching is yet to be seen but I’ll be watching.

Stay safe for another week!