Or #Sexytimesahead

In the brutal world of dating apps I’m definitely no kind of expert.

Since starting out on Tinder and Bumble four years ago I’ve matched with just a handful of people and have been on just one date.

This is partly (mostly) because I have a face that won’t break any hearts but also because I’m very picky.

So, with the painful awareness that this episode of Fiskal Policy will make me seem like a dick, today I’ve decided to reveal seven reasons why I think someone might be inclined to swipe left rather than right.

If the first picture on someone’s dating profile is black and white
It is harsh but I always wonder why someone has decided that the best first impression of themselves is not a colourful one.

The only pictures on someone’s profile are selfies
I want to go out with someone who either has friends or has the ability to ask a stranger to take a photo of them. Just selfies makes me wonder why the person isn’t popular with other people.

The pictures aren’t of the person
Everyone likes a pretty landscape picture but not on an online dating profile. A lack of photos of a person would make a prospective suitor (look at me using a word from the olden days) wonder what has happened to the person in a previous relationship and how their self-confidence has been damaged.

The pictures include the person at their wedding with their ex-partner not fully cropped out
Wedding photos cost a lot and it is obviously a memory of a special day. But if you’re looking for a new relationship then it is best to keep those photos hidden away in a box in the loft rather than on your dating profile.

The pictures match the interests too precisely
It seems that everyone who puts in their profile that they like skiing feels the need to prove it by including a picture of them on the slopes and then possible an apres-ski shot. We get that you like skiing without you having to prove it.

The same can be said for men whose dating profiles include them posing with a big fish.

There is only one picture on a profile
Everyone on the dating apps has a smartphone and those technological marvels all have a camera. So – given the rule about selfies aside – why is there only one picture?

The pictures are all old
The past few years haven’t been great fodder for photos because for months people weren’t allowed to do fun things. But now the world is more open again ask your friends to take photos of you having fun in a pub/ club/ art gallery/ theatre/ restaurant/ park/ river/ beach so you can have some updated shots to open your world to sexy times.

So what pictures work best for dating apps?

As I said above my face won’t break any hearts but my suggestions for the order of pictures on Tinder and Bumble (and other photo based dating apps) are as follows:

Start with a close up face shot (aka a portrait) then a full body shot where you are at something interesting.

If you have an interesting hobby or job then a picture of you doing this would work well for number three.

Weddings are probably the only place you’re going to have a professional take your photograph so one of these would be good here – as long as it wasn’t your own wedding (point four applies here).

Everyone says a sense of humour is important in a partner so a picture of you doing something funny (even if it is just you pulling a funny face) is a great one to end on.

Hopefully those tips make sense and bring you love this year. And – even more hopefully – you don’t think I’m a dick.

Stay safe for another week!