Or #Goldengavel

If someone made porn versions of British daytime TV shows there would definitely be a brothel set in an attic – for Cash in the Attic.

There would also be a film based on Bargain Hunt (you can do the rhyming slang yourself) where performers in two teams would work to get the best deal for some sex – with stall holders reluctant to knock another pound off.

In the daytime version, which actually exists on BBC 1 at 12.15pm weekdays (and sometimes on a Sunday), there is no sex but there are optimistic couples who are either on the blue team or the red team and are trying to get every bit of money off their purchases so they can make a profit at auction.

For anyone not familiar with the format: Each team has £300 to spend within an hour at an antiques fair and has to buy three items. One of those has to fit the confines of a challenge given to them – for example an item relating to ships or a piece of Georgian ceramics – and one has to be a “big spend” of £75 or over. And then they have to keep a bit of money left over so the antiques expert who has been partnered with them can purchase a mystery buy.

Then these items are sold at auction and the team that makes the biggest profit, or the smallest loss, is crowned the winner.

Above you’ll notice the word ‘expert’ and, to be honest, these are always a mixed bag.

They are all either antiques dealers or auctioneers or both so they undoubtedly know their stuff. But what isn’t clear is whether they are sometimes told by the producers of the show to select bad items for their teams to make the programme more interesting.

If that isn’t the case then why do the experts always insist on buying trench art and saying it does well, even though it does badly every time it’s on the show? The same thing happens with Toby jugs. They might have been popular in the 70s and 80s but those days are long gone.

If I had such an expert I think I’d just have to say no a lot. I say ‘if’ because I spend a lot of time watching the show (is it a coincidence that the time I’m allowed for a lunch break at work is exactly the same length as the programme?) and think it’s the one show on TV that I’d really like to go on.

I’d be disappointed that the quirky thing I’d choose as the big spend item only went for a fiver and would be pleased to make a small profit on one lot, but it really is the taking part that counts – honest.

But being a single person it’s difficult to find someone who would be happy to appear alongside me (and the couples on Bargain Hunt are the most annoying of all the pairs) so get in touch if you do and we can make television history.

For now though, just remember to take your lunch break at 12.15pm (or watch it later on iPlayer) and all your antiquing dreams can come true.

Stay safe for another week!