Red for Me by Winter Jefferson

V is for Valentine’s Day and also for Viagra

Or #Rosescomeinmorecoloursthanjustred

Waiting at the chemist to pick up some life saving medicine (which they didn’t have) I watched as a man came in to buy Viagra.

He had a touch of sarf-Lahndon-swagger about him as he strolled up to the counter and mumbled something to the chemist about forgetting to bring his form. (He had also forgotten to wear a mask but that’s an aside.)

Smiling couple heart shaped balloons
I don’t know who these people are. Maybe they are models. Maybe they were a real couple when this photo was taken. Maybe they have split up. Maybe they are still together. Maybe it’s Maybelline (“A smiling couple with heart shape baloons” by freestocks.org is marked with CC0 1.0)
Viagra Man to the Rescue by Chuck Coker
If you have an erectile problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him . . . maybe you can hire Viagra Man (“Viagra Man to the Rescue!” by “Caveman Chuck” Coker is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0)
Natural Viagra
Sometimes people in South London have to resort to buying their Viagra from Boots because there are more cockle sellers than there are natural viagra vendors (“Natural Viagra” by levork is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0)

Looking like a cheeky-chappy version of a friend of mine he didn’t seem to mind when another customer jokingly asked if he was going to Kings Cross – and then wondered if he was too young to understand the reference. I wondered why she didn’t wonder whether it was acceptable to comment on a stranger’s purchase – especially one that will make his chappy quite a bit more cheeky.

He was happy to respond that no, he was going to his girlfriend’s for the weekend. So, while those two are f—ing and sucking for the weekend, how about you?

In years gone by I’d joke about needing to take six weeks off work to open all the cards I receive. I never actually receive cards.

This year first class post takes about six weeks to get to me so I can look forward to no cards arriving at the start of April.

Last year was going to be the year I joined a proper dating site by the start of April but then the pandemic started and all plans went out of the window.

Happy Valentine's Day by C.P. Storm
The first time I had a Hershey’s Kiss I had to pretend to like it but Hershey’s really does make horrible chocolate (“Happy Valentine’s Day” by C.P.Storm is licensed under CC BY 2.0)
Viagra Naturale
Viagra Naturale – for those who like their lovemaking super spicy (“viagra naturale” by renatela is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0)
Viagra ice cream by Hanan Cohen
Make mine a cappuccino and Viagra waffle cone – with a Flake sticking out of the top (“Hungarians can’t get it up so they take ice cream” by Hanan Cohen is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0)

April because I thought I would be thin enough by then to start dating. April because it would be far enough away from the winter where people think a good idea for a date is going to have a roast dinner in a pub – on a Sunday (aka a Sunday roast).

I applaud any singles who stare at colleagues on a video call all day but still have managed to muster up enough enthusiasm for a Zoom date in the evening. Or those who, when restrictions allowed, went for a walk with someone who seemed a lot more interesting when they were just at the sending messages stage and did not quite know how to leave the date because there is no obvious “door” in a park.

But for me the closest I’ve got to love during the pandemic is Argos sending me a £5 voucher. Apparently I can spend it on me or a loved one.

I’m going to die alone so I’m going to spend it on me. I’m going to buy some clothes hangers.

But when sending the voucher to me (and everyone else on the company’s email list) I wonder if they knew the part Argos plays in my life.

The last ever Argos catalogue is the thing I put my phone on to make it high enough to do video calls with friends and my family – so it has kept me connected through these strange times.

Red for Me by Winter Jefferson
Have you been struck with Cupid’s arrows this Valentine’s? (“Red for Me” by Winter Jefferson is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0)
Pfizer Viagra campaign
In the olden days of this Viagra campaign having the Pfizer jab meant something very different than it does these days (“Pfizer Viagra campaign” by jasoneppink is licensed under CC BY 2.0)
Argos voucher
I suppose a Valentine’s from Argos is better than a punch in the face

It is also the company I ordered a mattress protector from when I first moved to my home.

So . . . with life being a journey . . . if I ever manage to get a girlfriend and they stay in my place then they will be sleeping on a mattress which, under the sheet, is protected from spills by a product purchased in Argos.

What a dream world that would be!

For now my Valentine’s weekend has been much of a case of wondering whether to buy an Asda special meal for two so when the delivery person brings my groceries they don’t think I’m going to die alone.

But then I remember the choices don’t look that great and also the rest of my items are a “single man reveal yourself” dead giveaway.

Enjoy yourself, no matter what you get up to.

Stay safe for another week!